Before I went to the Peace Corps, I read A Beautiful Mess pretty obsessively. It was quite a different blog back then compared to what it was today and, while I don’t read it as often anymore, my favorite posts were the ones when Elise opened up about her personal life.
She often would talk about coffee dates with her now husband, Jeremy. Jeremy is a musician and Elise is, well, for lack of a better word, a creative. In the time I’ve followed her blog, Elise has been an artist, fashion designer, product designer, photographer, entrepreneur, author and blogger. Anyway, they are a couple that feeds off each other’s inspiration. Elise often mentions that the two of them go on coffee dates to specifically talk about goals and dreams, personally and professionally. I’ve always felt that the one I could be totally honest with in terms of what I want in life – preferably over multiple cups of coffee in the corner of some cafe – would be the one I keep.
Since Monday evening, my emotions have been out of whack, so much that I had to check if it was a full moon because I normally feel arise in the lunar cycle. It is not, and I can’t explain this crush of emotions. At one point, I didn’t think I could take another breath because the pressure on my chest was so great and, thankfully, a friend kindly responded to my messages with compassion and a reminder that I am alone in my feelings and that they are justifiable.
This morning was better until a problem arose with some frustrating and costly paperwork. I felt so defeated and unprepared for life and wanted to withdraw. While I was able to work through it and continue on, the little disturbance shook me and I realized I needed to sort of reground myself and get to the root of where this emotional flurry is coming from.
I’ve been wanting to take myself one of these inspirational dates where I sit with tea and my journal and allow myself to be completely honest, not only in my dreams but my fears and what’s holding me back. I’ve wanted, but I haven’t. I haven’t because it’s scary to look at yourself honestly. It’s scary to be vulnerable with others, let alone yourself. I haven’t because I secretly hope someone will swoop in and clean it all up for me.
But I am the only one who can turn my light up.
I tried to come with a million reasons not to go to the coffee shop after work but I kind of want to stop being the one who defeats me. So, I took my journal, ordered a cup of oolong and played some of Jeremy Larson’s music.
I wrote what I wanted.
I wrote what I feared.
I wrote why I am angry.
I wrote and wrote.
I did not solve all of my problems or suddenly fix my life, but I did shed some wisdom on areas that I refused to look at before. I was able to see myself from a compassionate perspective, loving the broken and the beautiful. I completely honest with myself and I let myself be heard without judgement, analysis or a plan.
We can’t always be the best versions of ourselves and sometimes life will be unfair and painful, but we can remember to treat ourselves kindly and to be the one who never stops rooting for us. It’s when we take time to buy ourselves a warm beverage and really listen that we can form love and trust, so that when we are ready we have the courage and faith flinging us to our greatest desires.
** Side note: During this little date with me, I made a huge revelation about some recent relationships. It hit my like “Woah, that is so true and why haven’t I noticed that before?” Then I was listening to two people talk about loss and they brought up the same I idea that sparked my revelation, which made me to realize that maybe I am not so far from my path as I think I am.